Or maybe it was. When I grew up, even I could see that eating straight bacon grease might not be the most healthful choice in the world. The years went by, and those wonderful sandwiches were slowly replaced by other things, equally terrible for my health, but more socially acceptable. But life brought them back to me. I got to go to Poland. In the first restaurant I tried was one of the most beautiful sites I had ever seen: a big basket of rye bread and a jar of bacon grease! And things got better still. I discovered that Poland has the most delicious fried cheese. The gastronomic highlight of the trip happened at a street fair, where one booth served up huge slices of bread slathered with bacon grease, and another booth sold baskets of fried cheese. I bought both and had the most cardiac-alarming meal of my life. It was fabulous and if I end up in an early grave because of it, all I can say is that it was worth it. 

But if the grease is good, bacon itself is even better, and incredibly, bacon may soon be improved! Right now, scientists at the University of Oregon Hatfield Marine Science Center are working on improving a special kind of seaweed, called Dulse. Big deal. Lots of people eat seaweed, you might say. True. But the problem is that seaweed tastes like seaweed — at best an acquired taste. But the seaweed these people are working on tastes like bacon. Can you imagine? All the deliciousness of bacon with the health benefits of seaweed? When I heard about this, I went straight to their website and ordered some. It wasn’t cheap, but if it truly tasted like bacon, no price would be too high. 

I was instructed to fry the seaweed in oil. That was disappointing health-wise, but I figured one had to start somewhere. Luckily, I thought to take the electric skillet outside and fry it on the patio. Seaweed is wet and I thought it might splatter a little. A “little” turned out to be a hot oil fountain covering me and everything else in a fine coating of oil.  “Ow!” I yelled, then “EWWW!” and then, “OH!”  Because it did actually smell exactly like bacon! But the seaweed wasn’t a consistent texture, and I had a hard time telling when any part of it was done. The ends of the leaves tended to burn, and the stalks were still tough and bendy. Sadly, I let go of my dreams of enjoying a crispy SLT sandwich that day. But in the middle of the huge greasy mess, there were a few tiny pieces of perfectly cooked seaweed that did indeed taste and feel exactly like bacon! Major scientific breakthroughs have gone forward on less encouragement. But since my experiment amounted to roughly $50 for two small pinches of “bacon” plus an enormous clean-up effort, I’ve left further improvements to those in the lab. 

But, five minutes ago, I learned that the science center has patented its product! You can buy dulse on Amazon! It’s still not perfect. Mostly, I saw bags of ‘flakes.’ I guess the professionals only get a few perfectly cooked pieces per batch as well. On the bright side, according to the futurecentre.org, dulse is an “excellent source of minerals, vitamins and antioxidants, high protein, with twice the levels found in kale.” It’s a start! Maybe I’ll begin by sprinkling it on my waffles. If that works and if the price comes down, I can foresee the happy day when absolutely everything I eat is lavishly surrounded with “healthy antioxidants.” I’ll live forever. I knew bacon would save me someday.

Anneli Byrd is an academic adviser in Weber State University’s Student Success Center.