“I shouldn’t be angry. I shouldn’t be sad. I shouldn’t be tired. I shouldn’t be struggling so much. This shouldn’t be so hard,” she said about her thoughts.

“I was essentially telling myself that I was a failure and I was wrong for reacting in not the way I thought I should, to whatever the situation was.”

And, she said, there was no love or self-compassion in that way of thinking. She said that isn’t the way Jesus Christ would talk to her, so those thoughts, she said, certainly weren’t coming from him.

“I need to stop talking to myself and treating myself that way. I have more peace when I truly love and accept myself, embrace what I am going through, embrace where I am and appreciate how far I’ve come,” she said. “I feel peace when I have gratitude for my body and brain for carrying me this far, rather than looking at what I haven’t done or where I feel I am a failure. The Savior is patient with me; I must also be patient with myself and let it take the time it needs. That’s what brings me joy.”

In other words, Abbott said, It’s OK to not be OK.

“I know that sounds so cliché right now, but if you’re going through something big, whether it be physical, mental, emotional or spiritual, It’s OK to not be OK. You are still valuable and have purpose,” she said. “It’s not your fault. It just is what it is and it just happens to be hard. Healing takes time, so give yourself time and space to just be.”

Abbott said she didn’t learn these valuable lessons until her body and mind reached profound exhaustion. Not only was she battling cancer, she was a full-time student at WSU, pursuing a double major in theater arts and mechanical engineering.

“I wasn’t going to admit that I couldn’t just keep living my life as usual,” she said. “My doctor told me I had stage 4 cancer. When it moves to stage 5, you’re dead, but silly me — I thought I was unstoppable and could do school and treatments at the same time.”

Abbott enrolled at WSU in 2016 and took a break to serve a mission in Denver for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. When she returned, she said she struggled deciding whether to pursue a degree in theater or one in engineering. She settled on engineering but didn’t feel fulfilled, so she started pursuing theater and still didn’t feel fulfilled. She ultimately decided to pursue both.

“I have always had a love of theater and I was also always fascinated with science and all of the science fairs and I just didn’t want to do one above the other,” Abbott said.

Abbott had her first experience on the stage when she played the part of the hen in “The Little Red Hen.” From that point on, she was hooked and participated in theater throughout her schooling. As a singer, dancer and harpist, she was able to land some main roles in several plays and operas. During high school, she became involved in Project Lead the Way for engineering and loved being able to problem solve.

“I knew I needed both engineering and theater, so while I was deciding what to do, I had a strong impression I needed to serve a mission for my church,” she said.

Upon returning to her hometown in Maryland, Abbott said she developed a dry, hacky cough in the fall of 2019. The doctor told her it was post nasal drip, but she wasn’t having any allergy or cold symptoms.

“I moved back to Utah to get back to school and I thought it would go away, but it didn’t, so I saw a doctor on campus and she sent me to urgent care,” she said. “My blood work came back and they said my white count was really high and they found something on my lungs in an X-ray.”

Abbott was sent to Intermountain McKay-Dee Hospital for a CT scan. She thought she would go get the test and be home in time to attend a party that evening.

“Well, they found a mass and all of my lymph nodes were enlarged and the doctor said he was going to admit me,” she said. “So, yeah, I guess I wouldn’t be going to the party.”

Hodgkin’s Lymphoma is a cancer of the immune system that affects the lymphatic system. Symptoms can include a painless swelling of lymph nodes in the neck, armpit or groin, itchy skin, night sweats, fatigue, fever, cough, weight loss, shortness of breath and wheezing.

“My breathing was horrible. I sounded like Darth Vader and I’m not exaggerating,” Abbott said. “When I found out the mass was in my chest, I decided to name the mass, so I called it BoB — for Bosom Buddy.”

Over the next two years, Abbott went through chemotherapy, immunotherapy and radiation at McKay-Dee Hospital and received a bone marrow transplant from her brother, James, at Johns Hopkins Hospital. She also had in-vitro fertilization to freeze her eggs in case the treatments left her infertile.

“They give you all of these medications before you get chemo to help your body handle everything. Well, I had a bad reaction and almost died,” she said. “I had the crash cart called on me. What’s so funny is that when I got my diagnosis, I knew I would lose my hair, so I dyed it purple. One of the other patients there told me I had purple hair when I came in and my face turned the same color when I crashed.”

Abbott survived the grueling treatments and today she is in remission.

“During that time, my professors at Weber State were phenomenal. They bent over backwards for me to make sure I could stay in school and keep my scholarships and make up work. I have been so lucky,” she said. “And the cancer center at McKay-Dee Hospital is absolutely incredible. I felt so much love and support and compassion.”

Abbott said she feels incredibly lucky that she stared death in the face, yet survived. She now spends her time at school, studying theater and engineering, specializing in robotics and automation, while helping bring WSU’s production of “Brigadoon” to life through her work sewing in the costume shop and on stage as a member of the ensemble.

“It’s definitely a miracle I came out the other side and I couldn’t have done it without my husband, Kaiwi, my mother, my family, my medical team and all of my professors. I will be forever grateful, but above all, I’m going to take my time getting through school. There’s no need to hurry. I’m a senior now and I don’t know exactly when I’ll graduate, but I’ll get there in my own time.”