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Heading into a general conference of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, you never know what exactly to expect. When will each apostle speak? Will they deliver messages from the pulpit or via video recording? Will any of the apostles be unable to speak at all? How many temples will be announced and where? So many questions. I know that one thing I wasn’t expecting prior to this last April’s general conference was for the first talk to be by Jeffrey R. Holland, acting president of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. Of course, President Holland delivered a truly spectacular address, complete with his trademark humor and soul-stirring counsel. I think I speak for everyone when I say I’m glad we didn’t witness him get sent through a trapdoor not to be seen or heard from again for a while.

Another thing I never quite know is who is going to deliver the talks that simply hit me differently. I know all the talks are going to be great and that all are inspired of God, but I can’t deny that every general conference there are some talks that simply hit differently. Whether it’s the specific counsel that’s given, the personal experiences, the tone of the speaker or a number of other factors, some talks just resonate on a different level.

Elder Alexander Dushku of the Seventy had one such talk this past conference. His talk was titled “Pillars and Rays,” and it was, as he said in his very first sentence, “for those who worry about their testimony because they haven’t had overwhelming spiritual experiences.” Elder Dushku desired to “provide some peace and assurance.”

This was such a great introduction. It identifies a problem many people, probably a lot more than are willing to admit, struggle with at some point.

It might be more of a struggle for Latter-day Saints than other religious groups because of Joseph Smith and what we know about what happened to him. Elder Dushku explained it, saying:

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“The restoration of the gospel of Jesus Christ began with an explosion of light and truth! A teenage boy in upstate New York, with the very ordinary name of Joseph Smith, enters a grove of trees to pray. He’s worried about his soul and his standing before God. He seeks forgiveness for his sins. And he’s confused about which church to join. He needs clarity and peace — he needs light and knowledge. (Joseph Smith–History 1:10-13)

“As Joseph kneels to pray and ‘offer up the desires of (his) heart to God,’ a thick darkness envelops him. Something evil, oppressive and very real tries to stop him — to bind his tongue so he cannot speak. The forces of darkness get so intense that Joseph thinks he’s going to die. But he ‘(exerts) all (his) powers to call upon God to deliver (him) out of the power of this enemy which (has) seized upon (him).’ And then, ‘at the very moment when (he’s) ready to sink into despair and abandon (himself) to destruction,’ when he doesn’t know if he can hang on any longer, a glorious brilliance fills the grove, scattering the darkness and the enemy of his soul. (Joseph Smith–History 1:14-16)

“A ‘pillar of light’ brighter than the sun gradually descends upon him. One personage appears, and then another. Their ‘brightness and glory defy all description.’ The first, our Heavenly Father, speaks his name, ‘pointing to the other — (Joseph!) This is My Beloved Son. Hear Him!’ (Joseph Smith–History 1:17)

“And with that overwhelming burst of light and truth, the restoration has begun. A veritable flood of divine revelation and blessings will follow: new scripture, restored priesthood keys, apostles and prophets, ordinances and covenants, and the reestablishment of the Lord’s true and living church, which will someday fill the earth with the light and witness of Jesus Christ and his restored gospel.

“All that, and much more, began with a boy’s desperate prayer and a pillar of light.”

We know what happened to Joseph, and we know that it happened because he had faith and prayed. If an ordinary boy can demonstrate faith and pray and have such an amazing experience, why can’t such a thing happen for us, we may wonder as we hear the story.

Wondering about this can be frustrating. Don’t we deserve it? Is there something lacking in our faith or discipleship that is the reason it doesn’t happen for us? This is all the perfect setup for Satan, who has no problem taking advantage of the disappointment to sow seeds of doubt. “Well, if you think it happened for Joseph, and it’s not happening for you, maybe it didn’t happen for Joseph after all. Maybe it’s all just made up.” All sorts of devious lies Satan could tell can be imagined.

Elder Dushku acknowledged all this.

“We too have our own desperate needs,” he said. “We too need freedom from spiritual confusion and worldly darkness. We too need to know for ourselves. (Joseph Smith–History 1:20) That is one reason President Russell M. Nelson has invited us to ‘immerse (ourselves) in the glorious light of the restoration.’

“One of the great truths of the restoration is that the heavens are open — that we too can receive light and knowledge from on high. I testify that is true.

“But we must be wary of a spiritual trap. Sometimes faithful church members become discouraged and even drift away because they haven’t had overwhelming spiritual experiences — because they haven’t experienced their own pillar of light.”

But the Lord’s pattern is different. The Lord’s pattern isn’t to grant miraculous experiences like what Joseph experienced to all who desire one. Said Elder Dushku:

“President Spencer W. Kimball warned, ‘Always expecting the spectacular, many will miss entirely the constant flow of revealed communication.’

“President Joseph F. Smith likewise recalled, ‘The Lord withheld marvels from me (when I was young), and showed me the truth, line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little and there a little.’

“That is the Lord’s typical pattern, brothers and sisters. Rather than sending us a pillar of light, the Lord sends us a ray of light, and then another, and another.

“Those rays of light are continuously being poured down upon us. The scriptures teach that Jesus Christ ‘is the light and … life of the world,’ (Mosiah 16:9) that his ‘Spirit giveth light to every man (and woman) that cometh into the world,’ (Doctrine and Covenants 84:46, John 1:9) and that his light ‘(fills) the immensity of space,’ giving ‘life to all things.’ (Doctrine and Covenants 88:12-13) The light of Christ is literally all around us.

“If we have received the gift of the Holy Ghost and are striving to exercise faith, repent and honor our covenants, then we are worthy to receive these divine rays constantly. In Elder David A. Bednar’s memorable phrase, ‘we are ‘living in revelation.'”

This may not seem satisfactory to someone who really wants a pillar instead of just a ray, but consider again Elder Dushku’s words about receiving divine rays constantly. If we’re receiving them constantly, then we will always have what we need, which will be more than we can imagine. Is not a continual flow of divine rays just as good as a pillar of light?

Elder Dushku cited some ways in which we might experience rays in our lives.

“You may have experienced these bursts of light and testimony as ‘peace (spoken) to your mind concerning [a] matter’ that has worried you,” he said. (Doctrine and Covenants 6:23)

“Or as an impression — a still, small voice — that settled ‘in your mind and in your heart’ (Doctrine and Covenants 8:2, Helaman 5:30) and urged you to do something good, such as helping someone.

“Perhaps you’ve been in a class at church — or at a youth camp — and felt a strong desire to follow Jesus Christ and stay faithful. (Mosiah 5:2, Doctrine and Covenants 11:12) Maybe you even stood and shared a testimony that you hoped was true and then felt it was.

“Or maybe you’ve been praying and felt a joyful assurance that God loves you. (2 Nephi 4:21, Helaman 5:44)

“You may have heard someone bear testimony of Jesus Christ, and it touched your heart and filled you with hope. (Doctrine and Covenants 46:13-14)

“Perhaps you were reading in the Book of Mormon and a verse spoke to your soul, as if God had put it there just for you–and then you realized that he did. (Doctrine and Covenants 18:35-36)

“You may have felt the love of God for others as you served them. (Mosiah 2:17, Moroni 7:45-48)

“Or maybe you struggle to feel the spirit in the moment because of depression or anxiety but have the precious gift and the faith to look back and recognize past ‘tender mercies of the Lord.'” (1 Nephi 1:20, Helaman 5:9-12, Doctrine and Covenants 20:77, 79, Moroni 10:3-4)

Elder Dushku acknowledged that he too has not seen a pillar of light but shared ways in which he has experienced divine rays.

“They may not be very impressive to some, but they are precious to me,” he said.

“I remember being a rowdy teenager at a baptism. As the meeting was about to begin, I felt the spirit urge me to sit down and be reverent. I sat down and stayed quiet the rest of the meeting.

“Before my mission, I was afraid my testimony wasn’t strong enough. No one in my family had ever served a mission, and I didn’t know if I could do it. I remember studying and praying desperately to receive a more certain witness of Jesus Christ. Then one day, as I pled with Heavenly Father, I felt a powerful sense of light and warmth. And I knew. I just knew.

“I remember being awakened one night years later by a feeling of ‘pure intelligence’ telling me I would be called to serve in the elders quorum. Two weeks later I was called.

“I remember a general conference where a beloved member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles spoke the exact words of testimony I had told a friend I hoped to hear.

“I remember kneeling with hundreds of brethren to pray for a dear friend who lay unconscious on a ventilator in a small, faraway hospital after his heart had stopped. As we united our own hearts to plead for his life, he woke up and pulled the ventilator out of his own throat. He serves today as a stake president.

“And I remember waking up with strong spiritual feelings after a vivid dream of a dear friend and mentor who passed away far too early, leaving an enormous hole in my life. He was smiling and joyful. I knew he was OK.”

Last year, I felt a sudden desire to document all the experiences I could think of where I had received, as Elder Dushku called them, “heavenly rays of testimony.” I was amazed at how many I was able to remember, and how quickly they started coming once I put my mind to trying to recall them.

Here are a few.

I had a unique feeling after I was baptized when I was 8 years old. It was a feeling I didn’t quite understand at the time, but was a feeling that I had done something good and that I was clean.

I repented of a sin that I had committed and felt like I did on my baptism day. I knew I was clean and I had peace.

For a period of time during high school, I struggled privately with my testimony and whether I really knew if The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was the true church of Jesus Christ. I received a spiritual impression one day, as if a voice was speaking directly to me from heaven, “You know it’s true. You’ve had it witnessed to you.”

I was not worried, but calm, after receiving my mission call, which was to Taiwan. I had no background in the Chinese language or Taiwanese culture, nor did any of my family members, and Taiwan would have been among the last places I would have thought I would be called to. Yet, I felt complete calmness and even excitement. I knew then, and had it confirmed to me multiple times during my mission, that I was exactly where the Lord wanted me to be.

One morning, I went early to the temple. It was still dark outside as I neared the temple, and when it came into view, I was amazed by the majestic lighting. In that moment, I knew without a doubt that I had arrived at the House of the Lord.

The night before my wife passed away, I gave her a priesthood blessing some have called a “blessing of release.” I didn’t understand it completely, but when it was over, the feeling of the spirit that was with me was as palpable as if someone was physically touching me. I don’t know if I have ever felt as close to heaven as I did after that blessing.

On the day my wife passed away, I felt prompted to leave work to see her. I knew she was going to pass away soon, but I didn’t know when, and I thought maybe it wouldn’t be for another day or two. I followed the intense impression to leave work and go to her, and within minutes of my arrival at her side, she took her last breath and passed into eternity. Because I immediately followed a prompting, she did not die alone.

I have two sons. This did not seem possible early in my marriage because of my wife’s medical condition, but words in both of our patriarchal blessings gave us confidence that it would happen for us. She now has the knowledge that she has two children and I know that brings her happiness, and that knowledge brings me peace and joy.

About a year after my wife passed away, I had a dream one night where I was with her. She was smiling and as she was when we met, before the disease she had overwhelmed her. I felt confirmation that although she was no longer with me, she was happy and finally free of the disease.

I took time off work one day so that I could attend a church meeting. I could have ignored the church meeting and simply worked my normal shift. Who would blame me? As I drove to the church building, and even as I prepared to go, I felt a feeling of the spirit that testified to me that I had made a choice that Heavenly Father was proud of.

These are some of my rays. I could yet share more.

Continued Elder Dushku:

“As we recognize, remember and gather these rays ‘together in one,’ (Ephesians 1:10) something wonderful and powerful begins to happen. ‘Light cleaveth unto light’–‘truth embraceth truth.’ (Doctrine and Covenants 88:40) The reality and power of one ray of testimony reinforces and combines with another, and then another and another. Line upon line, precept upon precept, here a ray and there a ray — one small, treasured spiritual moment at a time — there grows up within us a core of light-filled, spiritual experiences. Perhaps no one ray is strong enough or bright enough to constitute a full testimony, but together they can become a light that the darkness of doubt cannot overcome.

“‘O then, is not this real?’ Alma asks. ‘I say unto you, Yea, because it is light.’ (Alma 32:35)

“‘That which is of God is light,’ the Lord teaches us, ‘and he that receiveth light, and continueth in God, receiveth more light; and that light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day.’ (Doctrine and Covenants 50:24)

“That means, brothers and sisters, that in time and through ‘great diligence,’ (Alma 32:41) we too can have our own pillar of light — one ray at a time. And in the midst of that pillar, we too will find a loving Heavenly Father calling us by name, pointing us to our savior, Jesus Christ, and inviting us to ‘hear him!'”

Thanks to his talk, Elder Dushku reminded me of all the rays of testimony I have received over the years of which I am so incredibly grateful for. Now I know why his talk hit me differently. It was another ray.

Contact Ryan Comer at rcomer@standard.net. Follow him on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/rbcomer8388 and on X at @rbcomer8388.

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